There is absolutely no denying that marriage and motherhood have their obstacles, but what sometimes makes it more difficult is feeling like a loss of identity and lack of ownership. Before marriage I had my own apartment, a job, my own bills, my own money. Everything I had was purchased with money I earned. Flash forward 3 1/2 years, a marriage and a baby later and life looks vastly different. Though being married changed my identity legally, motherhood has certainly stripped me of anything I was before. I no longer work, earn my own money, help pay bills, buy anything with money I work for and even my body feels as though it’s no longer mine. It’s a vessel for sustenance, a slave to the tiny master.
I absolutely love being a stay at home mom, however sometimes I find myself unsure of who I am anymore. It’s like being back in middle school when everyone asks themselves “Who am I?”. I’m not a teacher, I’m not a student, I’m not a worker. Everything I have always been seems to have suddenly disappeared. Truth be told I’m not the person I once was, I am different, I have changed. How can a new mom NOT have an identity crisis!? Being thrust into an alien lifestyle, where time is not yours anymore to do with it as you please, your body is a food bank and you have hardly any time for yourself. This is a part of motherhood they don’t teach you about in textbooks or online. Thanks a lot Google.
Though I don’t exactly identify with my 23 year old, teach by day party by night- self, I can rest assured that over time I would have changed anyways. Motherhood was just the fast track to adulthood and I am grateful for it. Grateful that I no longer find the need to go out on Saturdays to the club, or buy new clothes to garb my self esteem, grateful that God has used motherhood to equip me as a wife, showing me that life is about much more than myself. It isn’t about partying or making money. It is about being grateful for the season God has placed me in and rejoicing in the fact that He replaced my idols with the opportunity to stay home with my son and raise him with my husband in the love of Christ as a disciple that Ezra would one day know Him. God has used this season of motherhood to show me that my identity is in Him rather than my things.
I have hardly any of the clothes I bought while working as a teacher and barely have any of the items I bought for my single apartment. All the things I bought lay waste. All the things I could claim are gone. The things I once had and the person I once was are changed. But Ezra will always be my son, Clay will always be my husband and I’ve found my identity in who God created me to be, not in the possessions I have.
So have no fear my fellow mothers, you may not feel like yourself, you may not even know who you are, but trust in God to lead you, mold you and form you into exactly who you are supposed to be 🙂